I was having a conversation with my daughter who is set to leave for college in a week. She stated that “no good can come from death.” I disagreed and realized this girl needed one more lesson before she headed off to college.
I’m sure she rolled her eyes with every word. But our conversation reminded me of something that I wrote early in grief about the lessons that I had learned from grief. Embracing life, reminding ourselves of the beauty of life… even after death.
1. Laughter is healing.
It doesn’t fix everything. Humor was necessary during my journey and early days of grief. Sometimes things get so rough and you aren’t even sure that you will make it. Laughter gives your body a needed reprieve from the ongoing pain. It gives you a glimmer of hope and a feeling that just for a second you can and will make it.
2. My new mantra is “a life continued.”
Just because my husband died doesn’t mean I did too. I have a full life ahead of me. My children deserve a happy life and a happy mom, despite the traumatic tragedy of losing their dad. It’s not easy. There are bad days. Really, really bad days.You will question your parenting skills. You will not feel like you can go on. Go easy on yourself. You are doing the best you can. Even if it means you ate take-out every meal or grandma had to come so you could lay in bed. Take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute, second by second. Look at what you have done. How far you have come and the fact that you keep on living. Be proud of your strength. You are strong even if it feels furthest from the truth.
3. Accept help!
It’s hard to put your pride aside and let others in. People want to help and frankly I needed it. Being pregnant with two small children, grieving myself and helping me through there were days that I could even get out of bed. I have learned that if someone wants to bring a meal, mow my lawn, or even just give me a much needed hug… I will let them. Pride gets in the way. Let it go! It serves no good in your life. The help I receive makes me a better mom and helps me heal. I know that when I am able, I will return the favor and so will my children because they have learned the impact a small act of kindness can make. People are good, they want to help those in need, there is so much good in this world and that needs to be celebrated.
4. You can experience joy and sadness at the same time.
I never thought these emotions could go hand-in-hand but I have learned that grief makes it possible. I was pregnant when my husband died. Having a baby is one of the most joy-filled experiences of my life. At my son’s birth I was elated and filled with so much joy. Meeting my new baby for the first time! Sadness was also there. Being in the delivery room without the father of this baby. Knowing he would never meet his dad is an indescribable pain. Now, I know that with every joyous occasion, sadness will always be a companion. For every birthday, lost tooth, wedding, and holiday we will celebrate but we will celebrate without him.
5. Don’t let grief and fear control you.
Loneliness is a young widow’s worst enemy. This is my fear. To never be loved again. To never feel intimacy. To parent alone. The fear that no one would love my children. I refuse to let grief control me, but healing and happiness take work. It doesn’t happen without accepting change, trying new things, allowing yourself to seek help, and letting your fears go. I refuse to let grief control me. I will always miss my husband and grieve his loss. But I will continue to work on happiness and finding joy again! Because this tragedy didn’t happen to me, it happened in my lifetime, and I have a lot of life left to live. And to repeat my mantra again, I will have “a life continued.”
I encourage you to think of what you have learned and what impact that has made on your life, and how you view your new world after death.
Katie
