“Everything happens for a Reason…”
Is a phrase that often gets thrown around after a loss of a loved one. Most grievers will accept the comment, give a polite nod and thank you, because we know it was a comment made of goodwill.
It’s a comment that is supposed to help us heal or somehow make sense of the devastation that has just hit our lives. Death and loss are such taboo topics in our society that those around us just really don’t know what to say.
The Silent Struggle Behind the Polite Smile
But inside we are screaming. “What was the reason!?!?!?” After my husband died I certainly couldn’t see what reason a young husband, father, son and friend to many… would need to die.
Although not intentional it can feel like a very dismissive comment made to pacify feelings. I’m deducting from my own experience and conversations with many widows and widowers that they feel the same.
What Grievers Actually Need
So what is needed in these moments? What can help grievers in their sadness? As a widow now, with many years of grieving and reflecting on loss, I have a different view of grief than I did in my earlier years. We certainly can’t flip a switch and change how society views death and loss. But we can help educate and influence those around us. We can help others see and understand that grief will touch literally every person on this earth and what we say and do for those in our lives can really have an impact on healing.
We know that so many in our lives want to help when someone is grieving. We know that there is nothing magical that can be said that will “poof” and make us healed. It’s really just being there. It’s the moments we show up for one another both in small and sometimes big ways. It’s sitting quietly as a friend weeps or maybe simply a coffee and laugh. We know connections have such an impact on human experience and healing.
From Reason to Purpose: Reframing Grief
It’s saying “how can we make life purposeful after death,” instead of “everything happens for a reason.” It’s helping to give hope back.
Because there is nothing we can do to change what happened but we can make what comes after death seem worth it. We all strive for meaning, we all want to know our purpose. Death can really muddy up this search.
Helping Others Find a “Purposeful After
So let’s flip the script on grief and loss. Let’s help others do the same through action. Let’s give hope through simple gestures and not shying away from the topic of death and loss. Let’s help give hope and glimmers of a future by understanding that we can’t change what happened (for whatever reason it was) and knowing we can’t take away the pain, but we can help grievers know they can have a “Purposeful After.”
Katie
