I have always been a worrier, and anxiety is a family affair-genetically touching many of my family members. I remember a childhood friend describing me as “a nervous little person.”
This is who I am.
How Anxiety & Grief Intertwine
My worries have shifted, changed, and continue to transform as I age and experience life. My anxiety has ebbed and flowed, sometimes worse… sometimes better. Early in my grief, there was a time when therapeutic assistance was needed. The pile-up from the loss and grief bubbled my already boiling pot over the edge. As a trained school counselor, I have learned many tips, tricks, and coping strategies that have helped not only my students but myself personally. And over time, I grew and matured; I learned my own ways to manage my anxiety.
Of course, there are flare-ups due to life…but as my grief and life have shifted and changed, my coping has changed, too.
From Anxiety to the Restlessness of Grief
Throughout the journey of the loss of my husband, I chalked up the nerves and worries that I was experiencing to my old companion, anxiety. Something that I am familiar with. But as time has gone by and I have moved out of the “fight or flight” mode, I have been able to process my grief with a clearer head, and the word restlessness has come to the forefront of my mind. I am not just talking about restlessness as the sleep disruption (although grievers certainly experience this); I am talking about the restlessness of the heart.
The tossing and turning of our emotions. The feeling of always being unsettled. The ache is both dull and sharp. The knowing that they will never return and also knowing that we must keep living.
Navigating Unfamiliar Emotions: Restlessness After Loss
You see, anxiety— we grew up together. I know it’s tricks and turns, and I have tactics to fend it off and take control. But the feeling of “restlessness” was new to me. I didn’t know these emotions. I didn’t have a set of tools to manage them.
After the death of my husband, my emotions were very different from the familiar worries I have and have known since childhood. It’s a stirring in my soul that wants to be contained. It’s the feeling at times I want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s a longing for “normalcy,” whatever that may be. It’s wanting my life to feel right side up instead of always upside down.
Growth & Change on the Grief Journey
I have been slowly walking down the path of grief for over nine years now. And I don’t have it all figured out and probably never will. But as my life continues to shift and change, so does that of my grief. There are moments when I feel right side up, and I like the skin I’m living in. There are many challenges that I have overcome, and I feel proud. The ache doesn’t always feel so sharp.
It’s not just time having these effects, but it’s growing, learning, and knowing that restlessness is a new companion. Knowing that I may not find the trick to give my readers to fend off their feelings of “restlessness.” or that of my own. For me, restlessness is a part of my grief. It’s simply learning to walk with it, accepting the feelings, and living despite them. It’s finding your new normal and still having room for the beloved memories.
It’s knowing your soul stirs because of the continued love you have for the person who died.
Accepting Restlessness as Part of Grief
As I impart my final thoughts, I hope you take away this: through reading my words and connecting with other grievers, you’ll know that you are not alone in managing it all. The connections you make and the continued sharing of our journeys and grief feelings can help to calm our restless hearts.
We’re all in this together.
Katie
