Anniversary of their death, Angelversary, Remembrance Day… whatever you choose to call it. It is a day we all face and most times dread.
My story is unique. My husband was missing for 3 weeks and 4 days. He has two days that I signify as the day he passed away-with many days in between as he was missing. The first was November 26th, the day he went missing. And December 20th, the day he was found. Each year from Thanksgiving to Christmas is my Angelversary, Remembrance, and Mourning. In the Christian faith this time period closely parallels the season called Advent. This anticipation, this waiting period of the Advent season is obviously for a much more joyful event, Christ’s Birth- Christmas. Each year during the Advent season I feel the heaviness of waiting…. Just as I did when my husband was missing.
When Time Softens the Sharp Edges of Grief
As the years have passed, I have grown wiser, my grief is a bit gentler, and time has dulled the intense ache. I look at my grief a bit differently than I once did. And the sharp lens that I viewed this season- The Holiday season, my grief season is a bit softer. And this softness has brought about some great time for reflection.
Advent Through a New Lens
Growing up in a Catholic Family, I have been to church during many Advent seasons. I have heard many different messages in many different ways regarding the Advent season. And heard those messages from childhood to adulthood. And through my new lens of grief I hear the message in a very different way as I did as a child, teen and even adult pre-death.
I remember the excitement as a child going to church each week and seeing a new advent candle lit-knowing that when the final was lit it meant Christmas was here! It was very hard to wait and seemed like an eternity until Christmas would actually arrive. As an adult the season seemed to go by much faster with all the hustle and bustle of holiday preparation needed. But even though things change as you age the message has always remained the same. Advent is a time of purposeful waiting, an active slowing down, preparation, a time for reflection, making space for the new Christ child, with each of the candles representing- Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love.
Choosing a Different Way to Move Through Grief Season
This year on my 9th anniversary of Andy’s death- during my grief season. I wanted to approach it differently. I didn’t want to dread it, as in years past. I wanted to embrace this season because even though I didn’t choose it I have to accept it. I wanted to be more purposeful, slow down, and take time for quiet reflection.Through this reflection the messages of Advent rang through my mind.
Lessons from Advent in the Healing Journey
And in no way am I comparing my husband’s death to the coming of Christmas but what I am saying is that so much of what the season represents can be very thoughtfully used and likened to helping in the healing of all of our seasons of grief.
Both are and were periods of waiting and anticipation. And just as Advent parallels the timing of my grief season I really believe the message of the season parallels what I need to practice in my healing journey. Because at the end of day we all long for the return of Hope, Peace, Joy and Love and aren’t we all waiting for hurt to heal? Easier said then done right? It takes active waiting, it takes slowing down, purposeful reflection, and making space for new life.
What This Season Means for My Grief Journey
What does all mean for my grief journey?
It means that it can look differently for each person, it means that we have to work to achieve the return of joy, it means that new life can return all while honoring our past. This year for me, I went in with no expectations, no need to make a big production, no social media posts, and making changes as the children change. Knowing that each year can look different just as life ebbs and flows. This year I would describe my weeks of remembrance as a quiet reflection. I spent much time remembering my late husband, honoring,holding space for my feelings, through prayer and being thankful for what I have in my current life. I didn’t experience as much dread for the season. I didn’t look for others to remember and didn’t feel let down if they didn’t.
There is some beauty in knowing that he is mine to remember. I looked at my life with my late-husband and smiled and cherished the beautiful life we had and the many gifts and strengths I have found in myself because of our life together and because of his death.
Gentle Takeaways for Healing
I do believe- whatever your faith you too can find much healing through the lessons of the Advent season.
Here are some of my thoughtful take-aways to aid in the healing process. Active waiting means “doing” while you wait.
Sometimes it can feel like you are just going through the motions- and that’s ok. Happiness isn’t a gift given to us, we have to work at it. Purposeful reflection- looking at your current life and being honest about what you could improve to help in healing. Even if it is a very small step. Making space for life after death- It’s an acceptance while still honoring the past. It’s slowing down and acknowledging all the good you have despite the pain. And finally it’s slowly lighting the candles of your heart to ignite Hope, Peace, Joy and Love again. And how beautiful is that!
May you all feel the flame of Hope during this season and in your season of grief
– Katie
