Birthdays, anniversaries, lost teeth, proms, holidays, first day of school, choir concerts, basketball games, so many achievements and accomplishments both big and small. Feeling the need to cheer loud enough for two but always an empty seat next to me. Always a feeling of something missing and knowing it’s YOU.
Knowing how proud you would be, imagining you with them as they grow and change from the child you only got to know, to a teenager and adult you’ll never know. Having a sense of pride for raising them while angry and sad for having to do it alone.
The seat is not always empty, but filled with all the others that have rallied and loved us through our grief, but even if the seat is filled, there’s always an emptiness. Knowing there will always be an emptiness, and learning to accept that there will always be an emptiness… may just be the key to healing.
I find myself facing the biggest milestone that I have yet to face. High School Graduation. It’s the launching of our first child to adulthood. Knowing you won’t be there and you missed all the little steps in between.
In my darkest moments of early, deep grief, I could never envision making it this far without him. As much as some days felt like all I could do is muddle through, looking at my soon to be graduate, I know that it was much more than muddling that was happening. It was healing. Whether we like it or not we have to keep moving forward without them. Don’t get me wrong, there were days I took just as many steps back as I did forward but maybe sometimes muddling and healing go hand in hand.
How do we handle the empty seat? We know the milestones both big and small will and do come. They are unavoidable and frankly cannot be avoided just because of the empty seat next to us. Though it may not feel this way right now… Life is a beautiful gift and these milestones both big and small make it even more beautiful.
As I approach one of these big life events, I want to share what I’ve learned in my grief journey.
Acceptance is a part of healing. We can still feel sad that they are not here all while experiencing life and the joys that come along with it. Take a deep breath in… and a breath out….Taking time to acknowledge this is how life is now, whether we like it or not. It doesn’t mean it will always feel this way or hurt so much but just know how proud they are of you and how far you have come.
Hold space. Even though the seat is metaphorically empty- honor it. That empty seat held and still does hold so much love, joy and happiness. That empty seat was our life, was our partner, was the father or mother of our child. Don’t ignore it even if it hurts. The hurt is understandable. The hurt is real. Hold space for the empty seat. Hold space for your grief. Because grief is love.
Involve their spirit. I always like to find a way to involve my late husband into our special moments. I do it for my kids, for myself, and for those that held a special place for him. It can be as little as a conversation, a funny or light story, or even acknowledgment that you wish they were there. It can be a photo or even an actual empty chair itself. Whatever you want it to be. Find a way to have a little piece of them there.
Last of all, go easy on yourself. Grief is one of the hardest challenges we face in life. Take a break, take some time, do what is best for you. Don’t get down on yourself if you have to do some muddling like I did and do, if you have to take some steps back after you take some forward. That’s ok! There’s no perfect way to heal.
Wish me luck as I launch my child into adulthood, as I experience one of many milestones with the empty seat next to me. Even though the seat will be empty. He will be there, filling that seat with all of our memories, laughs, and overflowing with love we have for our Graduate. It will be filled with so many of my loved ones cheering for our girl, but there will be even louder cheering from her dad above. I wish you all the love for your milestones of past and future. May you feel the healing of acceptance, hold space for your grief and involve the beautiful spirit of those we lost!
